Hello my nephew and brother in Christ,
I had this letter written before you called me. But, I think this would be good to share with you. I want to thank you for what you shared with me about Puerto Rico, about the people of faith. How wonderful and encouraging, because I like to use what you shared with me to get people to think more about the gospel, that is how people were with one another, and I believe that God wants to remind us of it.. Sometimes it takes adversity, trials and troubles in our lives to see how God will work in people.. Anyway Willy, I can relate greatly, because I had many storms throughout my entire life. So here is the story I want to share with you as I mentioned that I finished earlier before you called me.
This is something you need to take your time to read, if the Lord puts it in you to read, it cannot be skimmed through, so if you have a laptop, it would be better instead of a smartphone to read this.. This is why I am sharing and I am hoping that as I write this to you, that you will understand where I am truly at in my walk with the Lord, as I see that you are growing in Christ, that I will put it all in prayers. So please, I ask you to pray about this too before reading. Because I am sharing a story, in hopes you will understand better where I have been coming from all this time and how God uses me. May this testimony blesses you, as Jesus is truly our Testimony.
Since I totally surrendered my life to Jesus on May of 1992, I did not truly understood what it means to be a follower of Christ. A true baby in Christ who needed to be on spiritual milk for the first 5 years. I was a slow learner, taking baby steps, under a life that the devil set up, trying to understand what was going on, my life was turned upside down. My life was incredibly painful. It started out when I was a little girl, which I rather not share in the details, because it was too deep, and I believe it would be hard for you to hear. So, I want to move forward from that, so I can summarize that God had a greater plan for me, meaning, not the best life, not the happiest life, but a life of joy, knowing who my Lord truly is. The Joy of the Lord is truly my strength. But, what did it really mean to be a follower of Jesus? And why are people so confused about Christianity? It is about running the race for Christ. That is where I am at now.
The Lord has equipt me for spiritual battles and prepared me for so much more that I never imagine serving the Lord as I have been. I've studied and been reading the bible for over 25 years cover to cover 66 books. I love the word of God. I love Prophecy, and I also study that too. The Lord has used my life of pain as a little child growing up, my teenage years and adult years, my drug addiction of 17 years, and He also used my ignorance, my lack of education that I only completed the 9th grade, and when I tried to go back to get my GED, I was being followed and stalked, by someone I knew personally offering me a ride home. I rather spare the details of what happened, because I was drugged, I became ashamed, and I couldn't finish school.
I had deep seeded pain, that I used drugs to suppress it, that I was living a facade. That is how I got addicted to various types of drugs, that started at the age of 13, when I was introduced to Marijuana, which I didn't know what it was. This person who gave me it, said "Nilda, I want to help you, I know the pain and suffering you've been living with. This Marijuana will help you to numb your pain and help you to forget your past" So, I said yes, if this could help me, yes. The pain and suffering I was enduring almost on a daily bases was extreme torture and brutal that lasted for 10 years as a child til I was 18 years old, it was traumatizing. That I wanted to die as a child, I hated who I was, and I tried to end my life 4 times. I was so different from my family, and I couldn't understand why? Are you getting the picture so far? I leave names out.
I hope you are understanding to me, how the devil was coming to kill, steal and destroy my life, but Jesus came to give me life and to give it abundantly. That is my testimony. What the devil meant for harm and to destroy, God turned my life around and gave me beauty for ashes. I did not have a home church, and when I did, it was for 2 years, it ended in the summer of 1999 after the death of my mother. I left my family as well for 5 years, because nobody knew that I was living in hell in my marriage with Paul, it was truly demonic, that I was enduring verbal, mental, emotional and psychological abuse. I had no true peace in my heart, living in turmoil. So, I left the church and my family. Yes, I had anger, that God had to really work inside of me. That when it was time, He prepared me, He put peace in my heart, after being alone, studying the word of God, He was all I had, so I learned from God.. But that didn't mean, that I didn't need other Christians to be in my life. However, I've been alone throughout mostly my Christian life, but little by little, God sent me Christian friends, and strong believers. Helped me along the way in my Christian walk.
That day in May of 1992, Ten days before Jesus revealed Himself to me, I was alone in my apartment. I just came from the hospital, because I was severely attacked, I was beatened up for 5 hours by a man I dated for just one month, but I knew him for 3 years. He was a reformed alcoholic that he fell off the wagon, and he was an atheist. I always believed in God, but I never knew Jesus, I never understood why He died for my sins, because nothing made sense in my life, because I was a complete mess and alone in this world. That man ravaged through my personal belongings and my files. He was extremely drunk and angry that he lost his job, blaming me, because he spend money on me for taking me out on dates. That day was the lowest point of my life, that he went wild on me, slamming my back against the toilet seat, that I could not walk, because he injured my kidneys, the kicking and punching I've endured was unbelievable.. He was so angry, that he was making fun of me and laughing at me, that it was purely demonic, the devil possessed him, through alcoholism. As he pulled out my paperwork, he came across 3 recognition awards that I received from McDonnell Douglas that I was proud having, because I did well working for that company, that I was elected to be a leader to my department for 3 years and more.. Yes, I lied about my education, because I saw no other way.. Even with that, God used it to do amazing things through me, even if I didn't know it, He was there indeed. Another story for another time.
Anyway, that day, that man went to my face and said, "you think you are all that, but you are nothing but a joke" he laughed at me, he ripped up my recognition awards and threw it at me. Then proceeded to beat me again, that I cried so hard, went on my knees praying to God, asking Him to forgive me for all the wrong I did, turning my back on Him, and then I asked him to save me. As I was praying, that man was laughing and beating me again and grabbed my hair and said, there is no such thing as God, so deny him. You're nothing! Then suddenly, something was happening to me, that it was supernatural, that I believe that God gave me the strength to physically stand up and fight back and I yelled at him saying "I WILL NEVER DENY GOD!" and one day, I will know Him!". I told him to leave. He said, the only way he will, that I give him $5,000. I told him that I don't have that kind of money around. Then he took my pet cockatoo, and threaten to kill him in front of me if I don't give him money. I told him, all I can give is $200. I had to go to the bank, but he said, that I better not call the police, because he will be watching, and if he sees the police, he will kill my bird.
When I returned, I gave him the money, he left. 10 minutes later the police showed up, because a neighbor called. WOW! After 5 hours, the police shows up? How scary, when neighbors would wait til he was gone, that they wouldn't have known that I would be dead, once again, my depression kicked in, living in a world when no one cares about you as a human being. By the grace of God, I survived that brutal attack. So, when I came home, I called my mother, told her what just happened. Our family was reaching out to me. Pleading me to return to New York. That is when I said ok. After that, I cried so hard, I was angry with God, that I was breaking my furniture, I screamed in pain, demanding to know from God, why do I exist? All my life was filled with pain and suffering, where is your love God? Why haven't I received your love? I told God, that my family loves me, but they don't know me, and I don't know your love God. I don't know what love is. All I know is that I hate myself, the world is messed up and I am a drug addict. I tried to be good, I tried to stop the drugs, but I always went back to it, because of the pain. Drugs were controlling my life.
My place looked like a tornado hit it. That I started to pick up stuff on the floor, paper work everywhere. I came across a Tract, reading about Jesus. There were more tracts, and I just kept on reading the promises of what God wanted to do for me. I started to cry, and I asked God to forgive me for yelling at Him, but I want to know Jesus, I want to understand why went through hell my whole life, I want to understand why Jesus died for my sins, because nothing makes sense. After talking to God and praying to Him, lo and behold, I found a bible that I purchased 2 months before my attack, remembering that I wanted my life to be better. This was my first bible I owned in my life. When I opened it, it said, that you must be sober minded to learn and know God. Something like that. I spoke to God and said, I have to close this book, so I can quit the drugs, because I am not ready to read the bible, because I am addicted to drugs. LOL.. I can't help to find that part funny, because I told God, that I was going to clean up my act, try to be a better person so I would be good enough to learn about God.
Willy, as you can see, that was not the case. Jesus had to do it all. I realized, I could never be good enough. I was doomed!
That day, when cleaning up my place and I found the bible after I came home from the hospital, and I prayed, because I wanted to know God, I just opened the bible and it said this > The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Psalms 34:18 and then I opened to this > For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11 < to my surprise, I believed that God was speaking to me through His words, that no matter what page I open it too, it was all supernatural, it was deliberate that God said to me "Be Still, and know that I AM the Lord your God. I tell you, I cried knowing that God was hearing me and speaking to me. That I prayed for God to reveal to me Who Jesus really is, because I believe that He was badly misrepresented, by my mother and father and my family, and all those religious people who said I was going to hell if I don't get right with you God, as they left me hanging, I did not see the love of Jesus in people, I never saw one.
After my prayers and alone in my apartment, I was reading the bible for 10 days straight, reading all about Jesus. I couldn't put the bible down, except for when I would sleep. I was truly hooked, that I also encounter real live angels watching me, that I thought I was hallucinating.. I was not doing drugs at all, because I was reminded that I had to be sober minded, and that was the only way for me to read the bible. God set it up and made sure I understood that.
Jesus revealing Himself to me like the woman at the well, and He took me back in time supernaturally, because I lost most of my memories, due to my traumatic experiences. He showed me where He was at all my life during those brutal times, He caused me to remember how I first encountered a living God at the tender age of 4 years old, that I shared that testimony on my website to show "A Child's Heart" that I will share another time. Very powerful and supernatural as well. My life is a miracle, because death was always waiting for me. I am truly talking about the intervention from God to keep me alive, that I could have died numerous times, by the hands of others, and nearly got killed for protecting Nellie from getting hit, that when I pushed her, the car hit me, but I did not get hurt at all, I looked at the woman's face looking right at me screamed with the most frightening look on her face. And a bigger shock, when I was able to walk away, the woman not only was in shock, but asked me if she can give me a ride home. I said no, I am almost home. Thank you.
There was so much, that I could never share any of it with my family. Nellie doesn't remember things about my life, but she believed we were loved and that my life was not as bad. So, I found that heart breaking and insulting, because my life was different from hers and the rest of my family. Erba is the only one who knew, and God had her to help me when I was suffering. The Lord has revealed His grace to me just before my salvation, He showed me His love, He showed me Who Jesus really was. What He did for me at the cross was the true breaking point for me, that I wept so hard, knowing that the true living God was living inside the Son of the Living God. Jesus and God are one and the same. He came for me and rescued me from myself. And when I surrendered my life to Him, I asked Him to heal me, to give me the strength to stop the drugs, to change me, because I could not change myself. Willy, it was like a whirlwind, supernaturally clearing my mind, to see things clearly without drugs, I was delivered from drug addiction instantaneously, and without withdrawals. I never looked back, and I never had the desires to ever do drugs again.
God's grace was sufficient for me, because when I am weak, I am strong in Christ.
God heard my cries, I lived a life of oppression for 40 years in the most brutal way. How can you and my family ever understand that? I finally told your mother last year, after I left NY, because I had to leave without anyone knowing why? The grief that my family was enduring was a lot, that Nellie was angry with me, because I could not share anything about our sister Maria with her, I had peace in my heart, and that was hard for her to see. But that doesn't mean I wasn't grieving, because I was greatly grieiving for my family, I was so heart broken.. And when Nellie was talking about how we grew up, and telling me that we grew up with love, because that is how we were taught, I had to gently tell her, that is not how I was taught. You can't accept what I went through, because it was hard for her to see.. Nellie shut me up, got angry and told me to stop talking, and told me to stop talking about Jesus, because she only wanted me without Jesus in me. I know that sounds awful, but Nellie was grief stricken. I was not preaching to her at all. Just being me, who Christ meant for me to be. So, when I prayed to God asking what should I do? Jesus told me to leave and tell no one that I am leaving, just enjoy my lunch with Connie and then leave. That is exactly what I did. Several days later, Connie wanted to know what was going on. I only expressed my concern for Nellie, and I told her that she doesn't understand that I can no longer talk about our parents with her, because it is too painful for me, because I was raised differently, and that I am the only one who can talk about my life as a child. And to share testimonies about my parents, what God did was amazing.. That is a story for another time. I was happy that your mother finally understood, and was thankful for the testimony, as I shared with Erba, that she even cried knowing how far God brought me and realized that Jesus mended my broken heart and life and has healed me.
I am a living, walking testimony to God's love. The Lord used my life to help many, to help females in abusive marriage in real life. The Lord used me as a wife for Paul, that God turned him from a feroious bear into a lamb. God made me faithful to Him and His words. I have stumbled so much in my walk with Christ, but now I am running the race for Christ.
It is very true that people will not care what you know, until they see how much you care.
I not only believe how God uses me to reach the lost to win them over to Christ, but I declare authority of Jesus in ALL He has me do to reach the lost to a dying world. When the Lord wants me to spoon feed the non-believers, He will show me when that time is right. I had witnessed to people throughout the world, including the 3rd world country.
God has given me many spiritual gifts, and I use them accordingly to His calling, as God says in His words, that God works all together for the good of those Who loves Him.
Sometimes, when there are those who are in disobedience to God and deliberate too, God will use any willing heart to do what ever it takes to reach them too.
The Lord gives me resources, and I do have a website, that I need to finish working on for His glory. When it comes to winning souls for Christ, God has a plan for each of us as to how one will deliver His plan for that lost soul.
If I didn't believe what I am doing because of Christ, I would never share my testimonies.
Thank you for realizing in your text, that God is the one who will lead. Not my will, but His.
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Here is a video that I had permission to use years ago, and to add to it tell my story, as you can see how God uses my experiences to make videos as you saw about our family, and had me use the gospel to shed the light of Jesus in our darkest days. I hope you like this one > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdEEKuRXyPk